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Like many of you reaching out at the moment in our membership, sometimes I just get unravelled by world and personal events. We are living in times of war, shootings and austerity and it seems hard to get back on track after Covid. The best thing we can do in these times is accept all of our emotions. A growth mindset includes all of our parts, the joyful and the sad. Sometimes, my heart feels broken, I want to forgive myself and others, I know it’s the right thing, “the spiritual thing to do,” but what about my anger and hurt; sadness and grief; indignation and control. What about my humanity?
We’ve had several letters about support around forgiving ourselves, others and world events, so this month I’d like to share my personal take on it all. Sometimes I wonder why do I hold all the fear and the pain so tightly? Why can’t I simply let go and forgive? Because if I do forgive, who will punish them, won’t they get away with it? I mean who will stand judge and jury at the mass devastation they cause?
Yet I am afraid of forgiveness! My beautiful vulnerable heart worries forgiveness will make me even more powerless! I mean if I forgive won’t I be powerless? If I forgive, won’t it mean I don’t matter, they ‘the shot, the abused, the forgotten’ don’t matter? Will it make my feelings wrong? Will it make me passive, weak? Who will hold them to account if I don’t hold my grievance?
If I truly surrender, who will play God? Does this mean I have been playing God? Yes. Wow that hurts, I didn’t mean too. It hurts. It’s all too big, the mess, the tears, it’s above my pay grade. I can forgive intellectually – but experientially I resist – I swear – it’s just bloody wrong.
My machine gun of hateful/hurtful thoughts loads into fire and then I am the abuser and the abused? I feel so incomplete, I must retreat into the wide-open presence in my heart. I can’t do it alone, this I know, I need love, not just human love, but divine love too.
I know there is a love that never leaves, that waits in my heart, which gives me room for forgiveness. I completely understand the human atrocities, betrayals, abuses are just too big for my little personality to handle so I hand them over. Hell, I actually throw them over like hot potatoes too painful to hold.
I let love flow to the painful places in my heart and body, I let love flow into separation and judgement; anger and pain; hurt and despair; I let my spiritual heart hold my physical heart and I breathe… I can let love forgive through me and for me. I let forgiveness function through me and for me and I breathe. My limited pain leads me to glimpse the limitlessness of creation and I trust that a light larger than my own has got this…
On a brighter note, I’ve been looking at rewiring our brain for a more loving and compassionate response. The science is indicating reading affirmations to techno music actually helps create neuro pathways more quickly in the mind. I do hope you enjoy this reel I have put together for you. Click under the image below.
Until the next time, go easy on yourself.
With love and kindness
Paula